gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
