Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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