Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
