You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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