Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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