she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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