i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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