Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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