Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
