How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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