Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
