just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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