Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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