I cockslap morals
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
