love makes seman taste better
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
