I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
