i was born a porn star she said
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
