fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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