my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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