Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
