I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
