I want to make a zoo with you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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