Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
