my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
