He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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