Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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