We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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