Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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