winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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