im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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