He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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