So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
