1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
