remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
