Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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