She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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