i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
