Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
