yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
