A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
