You made me cry and you don't even care
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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