After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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