my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
