if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
