12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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