I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
