Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
