He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
