i permit you to call me
false alarm. still invincible.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
