I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I supernannyed him into submission
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
