your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
