I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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