i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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