True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
