This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize