he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's not cheating when I paid for it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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