There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
