there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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