I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
