Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
