she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
