Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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