i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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